Being in a rut sucks. The worst is when I think I am out of one and find out that I am in fact still in one.
I have heard it said that a rut is just a grave with ends missing. I have to say that I definitely feel like I am dying inside when I am stuck in a rut. How does one get out of a rut though? I thought that if I made different choices and did things differently that I would be able to free myself from the rut. That seemed like a simple logical course of action and I was sure it would work. I found out though that it is not that simple. I discovered that after all this change in the end I am still in the same old rut. Nothing is different. How can this be?
It is like a horror movie where you think the protagonist is free from the psycho killer and they pop back out from who knows where to terrorize everyone again. Why won’t that guy just die already?!
Four years ago I was going running every day or close to it. I hardly ever ate sugar, or carbs and I was almost down to my high school freshman year weight. I felt great and then it happened. I blew out both of my knees four weeks apart. I had to stop walking long distances and running was out of the question. I had to sit with my feet up a lot. For someone who was averaging 17,000 steps a day this was a nightmare. I was convinced I would gain all the weight back. I didn’t but I did gain some… much more than I would like.
Then as I was beginning to recover I met someone and began dating. I suddenly had no spare time. Soon I realized that I was not in a healthy relationship and things ended. They ended badly. I quickly found myself returning to old unhelpful habits to cope with the stress. I was also terrified to leave my house alone and not motivated in the least bit to do anything other than go to work and spend time with my mom or my close friends.
After the dust of that disaster settled I set my eyes on recovery and going running again. I did okay for a while and then I blew out my right knee, then after recovering from that I blew out my left. Then I pulled my Achilles’ tendon on my right leg. Then I did it all over again. Over and over. I was in a rut. How did this happen to me? How did this become my life? So for a while I gave up and baked a lot of cookies.
I started to hate myself and felt gross. I needed to do something but I wasn’t sure what. My roommate decided to try the Keto lifestyle and I committed to giving it my all. It was hard but I had a buddy, and I did well for about four and a half months and lost 25 pounds! Yay! I started to have a flicker of hope that I would get the last hundred pounds off. But guess what? That psycho killer popped back up! I began to have serious stomach issues to the point that I was unable to go to that bathroom for several days and when I finally could I was passing blood. I needed to eat fruit. So I went back to a less restrictive diet and gained about 20 pounds back. Unfortunately my tummy is still not quite back to normal all these months later. For just a minute I thought I was out of the rut but it turns out I am not.
So what do I do? The thing is I don’t know. I know there is an answer. I just haven’t found it yet. I know I can find my way to a healthy weight that won’t require me to have surgery. I am not saying gastric bypass surgery is bad it is just not the way I want to go. I am not going to give up. I know the answer is out there so I am still looking… and baking. 😜
I don’t have some magical answer to the question posed at the beginning of this post. You know what? That is okay!
I could beat myself up for still being in the rut, be miserable and hate myself but that would accomplish nothing. Self deprecation accomplishes nothing. Absolom from Alice In Wonderland says “Nothing was ever accomplished with tears.” I quite disagree. Healing is accomplished with tears. However at some point the weeping must end and forward motion needs to happen. Bludgeoning myself with my short comings will make it impossible for me to ever find any kind of breakthrough. It is wallowing in self pity that accomplishes nothing. If I need to cry then I cry! However at some point I have to wipe the tears off my face blow the crud out of my head and try again, and again, and again until I find the answer. In the words of a starship captain “Never give up. Never surrender.” I would however add that one should never give up, or surrender except to the Lord. Always surrender to the Lord.
©️Rachel Anne Redfield 2018