What if I had done this, or said that? What if this had not happened? What if this had happened instead? What if I never…? What if I always…?
Chances are that if you are a human with a conscious mind you have had these thoughts. I have in my life been plagued by these thoughts. I have come to realize that this track of thought is a trap. Taking inventory of mistakes is important so that I can learn from them. It is valuable for me to comb through the mess I have made and see where things went wrong, however the moment that I take those mistakes and say what if… Boom! The trap is sprung!
It is so easy to go about life and forget that there is an enemy out there roaming around seeing whom he may devour. I forget this all the time. I don’t forget this because I don’t know it, nor do I forget it because I haven’t known the attacks first hand. I forget because I am reasonable and logical. Reason and logic are useful tools but are often at odds with the realm of faith. I get so wrapped up in what is right in front of my eyes that I forget there is a world unseen.
I recently went through quite the life event. I chose to begin a relationship. At first it was wonderful but pretty soon there were more than a few bumps. Looking back I can now see that there were warning signs long before that. There were little knocks on my heart; checks in my spirit like blinks from the lighthouse on the shore that there was danger ahead. I ignored all of that chalking it up to apprehension, fear and inexperience. Maybe there was nothing to worry about. Maybe it wasn’t moving too fast and getting too intense too soon. Maybe I was feeling anxious about the pace of things because I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of getting hurt after all. That is partly why I haven’t dated before this point in my life. Fear. Fear that it would turn out just like it did.
You know you would think that after everything I have learned about self fulling prophecy in regards to my weight I would know better but apparently not. Back in high school when I was the weight and size I am now I used to feel and think that I was the size and weight I eventually became. You become what you behold. Anyway I digress…
I was always afraid that if I ever allowed myself to fall in love that I would get my heart broken. I finally came to a point in life where I was willing to risk my heart being broken by allowing myself to possibly fall in love. I met this man who seemed like he might be okay so I gave it a chance. He seemed to really be interested in me. I had never experienced anything but rejection and he was pursing me, and he was so sure I was the one. He had a past, but who doesn’t? Anyway I do believe in redemption so as long as a person is open and humble about their past then that shouldn’t be a barrier. Unfortunately he wasn’t completely honest about everything and as is always the case with secrets it came to light. I had been lied to by the man I had fallen in love with. I was devastated. I confronted him. It was over. It was hard. He tried to explain, and I was willing to consider giving another chance but after seeking the Lord and counsel it became crystal clear that was not what God wanted. After the first initial shock I began digging around myself, and found out some other things… It really was over.
My heart was broken. He was not honest with me, and I could no longer trust him. He seemed so genuine. I thought… well you know. My heart is still broken. I am very aware that I am single now and the holidays are coming. Awesome.
So now I am combing through the ashes trying to figure out where it went wrong so that I can learn all I need to from this mess, and as I have done this came the questions: What if…?
What if I am making a mistake?
What if I am wrong?
What if no one else ever comes along?
What if I end up alone?
What if I never have children?
So I did the only sensible thing. I took these questions to my Daddy. I also ate some chocolate. This is how the conversation went:
What if I am making a mistake?
-I told you no. Why would listing to Me be a mistake?
Well duh. That one was just ridiculous. I’m sorry.
What if I am wrong?
-You are not wrong. I told you I would confirm it. I did remember?
What if no else ever comes along? He is the only person who has ever pursued me. What if I end up alone? What if I never…
-Stop! Don’t give into fear. Can’t you see that you are allowing the voice of fear into your head? You are allowing something more dangerous to take root in your mind as well: doubt. That question is a trap. You are allowing doubt to come in and to limit your understanding of my goodness. My goodness has no limits! Rachel my darling daughter my goodness toward you has no limits.
Wow. That was a moment. Mind blown.
Did you catch that?! God’s goodness has no limits! God’s goodness toward His beloved children has NO LIMITS!!
“Ask, and you will be given what you ask for. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Anyone who seeks, finds. If only you will knock, the door will open. If a child asks his father for a loaf of bread, will he be given a stone instead? If he asks for fish, will he be given a poisonous snake? Of course not! And if you hard-hearted, sinful men know how to give good gifts to your children, won’t your Father in heaven even more certainly give good gifts to those who ask him for them?” -Jesus (The Sermon on the Mount)
©Rachel Anne Redfield 2015
2 thoughts on “What If…?”
Rachel, I feel moved to share with you that I’ve gone through many of the same struggles (relational and weight, but I’ll save those for another time). After high school, I went right to college. Until my senior year, I did the same things I had done so many times before,.. Meet someone, think I fall madly in love, crush on them but never say a word because I was too afraid of heartache. After opening up and trying the dating scene I felt it wasn’t for me. I didn’t like the insecurity it gave me. The anxiety it built. I stopped and this was after only a handful of dates, not even a real relationship. By the end of the school year I figured I’d go to grad school and then figure something out. 2 kids, 2 cats, 3 dogs, 8 relocations, and 11 years of marriage later, I can tell you waiting and being patient is so worth it in the long run. This marathon of life isn’t meant to be rushed through, although I completely understand why running through a particular season of life seems like a better idea.
I hate the phrase “hang in there” but it’s really all you can do. Hang on to the hope and faith that there is someone out there for you if that is what your heart desires.
Have you ever looked at your name… Rachel Anne Redfield. Your initials are RARe. You are a rare gem in this cavernous universe. People search their whole lives for that one rarity. You are worth it.
Wow! Thank you so much Dana! That really blessed my heart. May you be blessed beyond measure and laugh until your cheeks hurt on a regular basis. Thank you again. That was very encouraging! ❤️