Breaking

Beauty4AshesMy heart is broken. Someone else has a heart that is broken too. I am responsible for that. It really is that simple. I never wanted that to happen. I am sad that I have hurt him and even though he hurt me first it doesn’t matter. I take no solace in harming another person. It was unavoidable. It was inevitable. There was nothing else I could have done differently. It matters not. I hurt him, and I am sad. I am sad and I am sorry.

What a mess.

Messes are tricky. They are a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes a mess can be so big that one does not know where to begin to even clean it up. I have learned that in such cases it is best to just start. It dose not matter where. Just start cleaning.

I know that I have made the right decision. I know that it was what needed to be done. I know he and I will recover and it is for the best. I know all of this yet still there is an aching in my chest. I feel a bit like Lash from Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has attacked. (All the nerds out there will understand. For the rest of you just imagine a monster put a big hole in my chest.)

out-of-the-ashes1I am aware that I am on the right path and that I have a bright future. I am surrounded by so much love. God is so deeply good. I could try and run away from the pain. I could try and stuff it all down, not talk about it and eat fried food and chocolate until it stops, but I am not going to do that.  I am going to feel the pain. I am going to walk through the pain. I am going to live through the pain. This time as I face heartache I am going to make a different choice. I am going to talk about it. I have talked about it. I am almost sick of hearing myself talk about it, but I need to. If I am going to heal and move forward with life I need to talk about it.

Having a broken heart sucks. Breaking someone’s heart sucks. It is a lot to process. It is a lot to make peace with. Still in the midst of all of this I am learning:

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

“He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

I am learning how to connect with God in a way that I have never experienced before. I feel loved by God, by my family, and my friends and it is real. Love is real and for the first time in my life I feel it. I knew people loved me in my head, but my heart wasn’t so sure. I had a duel going on inside of me. That duel has been settled and love has won. I no longer feel alone in this life. I have never felt that way before. Ever.  It never ceases to amaze me how God can bring such breathtaking beauty put of such breathtaking devastation.

He is a good good Father.

a-crown-of-beauty©Rachel Anne Redfield 2015

What If…?

What if…

What if I had done this, or said that? What if this had not happened? What if this had happened instead? What if I never…? What if I always…?

Chances are that if you are a human with a conscious mind you have had these thoughts. I have in my life been plagued by these thoughts. I have come to realize that this track of thought is a trap. Taking inventory of mistakes is important so that I can learn from them. It is valuable for me to comb through the mess I have made and see where things went wrong, however the moment that I take those mistakes and say what if… Boom! The trap is sprung!

It is so easy to go about life and forget that there is an enemy out there roaming around seeing whom he may devour. I forget this all the time. I don’t forget this because I don’t know it, nor do I forget it because I haven’t known the attacks first hand. I forget because I am reasonable and logical. Reason and logic are useful tools but are often at odds with the realm of faith. I get so wrapped up in what is right in front of my eyes that I forget there is a world unseen.

I recently went through quite the life event. I chose to begin a relationship. At first it was wonderful but pretty soon there were more than a few bumps. Looking back I can now see that there were warning signs long before that. There were little knocks on my heart; checks in my spirit like blinks from the lighthouse on the shore that there was danger ahead. I ignored all of that chalking it up to apprehension, fear and inexperience. Maybe there was nothing to worry about. Maybe it wasn’t moving too fast and getting too intense too soon. Maybe I was feeling anxious about the pace of things because I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of getting hurt after all. That is partly why I haven’t dated before this point in my life. Fear. Fear that it would turn out just like it did.

You know you would think that after everything I have learned about self fulling prophecy in regards to my weight I would know better but apparently not. Back in high school when I was the weight and size I am now I used to feel and think that I was the size and weight I eventually became. You become what you behold. Anyway I digress…

I was always afraid that if I ever allowed myself to fall in love that I would get my heart broken. I finally came to a point in life where I was willing to risk my heart being broken by allowing myself to possibly fall in love. I met this man who seemed like he might be okay so I gave it a chance. He seemed to really be interested in me. I had never experienced anything but rejection and he was pursing me, and he was so sure I was the one. He had a past, but who doesn’t? Anyway I do believe in redemption so as long as a person is open and humble about their past then that shouldn’t be a barrier. Unfortunately he wasn’t completely honest about everything and as is always the case with secrets it came to light. I had been lied to by the man I had fallen in love with. I was devastated. I confronted him. It was over. It was hard. He tried to explain, and I was willing to consider giving another chance but after seeking the Lord and counsel it became crystal clear that was not what God wanted. After the first initial shock I began digging around myself, and found out some other things… It really was over.

My heart was broken. He was not honest with me, and I could no longer trust him. He seemed so genuine. I thought… well you know.  My heart is still broken. I am very aware that I am single now and the holidays are coming. Awesome.

So now I am combing through the ashes trying to figure out where it went wrong so that I can learn all I need to from this mess, and as I have done this came the questions: What if…?

What if I am making a mistake?

What if I am wrong?

What if no one else ever comes along?

What if I end up alone?

What if I never have children?

So I did the only sensible thing. I took these questions to my Daddy. I also ate some chocolate. This is how the conversation went:

What if I am making a mistake?

-I told you no. Why would listing to Me be a mistake?

Well duh. That one was just ridiculous. I’m sorry.

What if I am wrong?

-You are not wrong. I told you I would confirm  it. I did remember?

Yes.

What if no else ever comes along? He is the only person who has ever pursued me. What if I end up alone? What if I never…

-Stop! Don’t give into fear. Can’t you see that you are allowing the voice of fear into your head? You are allowing something more dangerous to take root in your mind as well: doubt. That question is a trap. You are allowing doubt to come in and to limit your understanding of my goodness. My goodness has no limits! Rachel my darling daughter my goodness toward you has no limits.

——

Wow. That was a moment. Mind blown.

Did you catch that?! God’s goodness has no limits! God’s goodness toward His beloved children has NO LIMITS!!

“Ask, and you will be given what you ask for. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Anyone who seeks, finds. If only you will knock, the door will open. If a child asks his father for a loaf of bread, will he be given a stone instead? If he asks for fish, will he be given a poisonous snake? Of course not! And if you hard-hearted, sinful men know how to give good gifts to your children, won’t your Father in heaven even more certainly give good gifts to those who ask him for them?” -Jesus (The Sermon on the Mount)

He is a good good Father.Fly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

©Rachel Anne Redfield 2015