Everything Has A Time…

Today is a day I shall not forget. As many years have past January 22 will always be a melancholy day. January 22 is a day marked by goodbye. January 22 is the day I first felt this world without you.

LaVeda A Redfield

You were born on June 12 1927 during the Great Depression to a pair of Blue collar hard workers looking for a better future. Music was woven into every part of your soul. You were driven, ambitious, hard working, positive, polite, sassy, smart and kind. Your abilities to make things better seemed so effortless. You were gracious and fierce. No one walked on you.

You made a real impact on the community, educational systems in the state of Oregon and sold multiple musical arrangements around the globe yet you NEVER made a fuss about any of your accomplishments. You made clothes that were works of art, and no one could ever make bread as delightful as yours.

You made plants and people grow. You nourished them and made sure they had shelter and space to thrive.

My Grandma Redfield

You encouraged me to sing more than anyone. You made me believe in magic and inspired me in so many ways. You always trusted that God was good no matter how bad things were. I loved you so much my whole life and I love you still. I will always wish you had kicked cancer’s ass and lived to be 100 like we talked about so many times. I am so grateful for all the lessons you taught me and all the time we had. ❤️

©️Rachel Anne Redfield 2022


When I was small and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say many things, an astronaut, a fighter pilot, a helicopter pilot, a police officer, a marine, a Kung-Fu master, a doctor, a veterinarian, a surgeon, a paleontologist, or an archaeologist like Indiana Jones. Basically anything that was epic and that would allow me to travel the world having adventure, discovering some lost knowledge, or saving people from danger. I wanted to do something important. I wanted to make a difference. Then someone would ask me to pick just one thing that I wanted to be when I grew up, pick the one thing I wanted most to be. Every single time I would say the most epic thing that I knew of or could imagine; I would reply, “I want to be a wife and raise a family with my husband.”

When I was a girl I would walk around with just about any kind of fabric I could find that was a little see through draped over my face. I would practice walking down the isle all the while singing “Here comes the bride, all dressed in white…” then later I would stuff a pillow or one of my dad’s sweatshirts into my shirt until I looked pregnant and would rub my “belly” the way expectant mother’s do. I would imagine that I could feel the baby kick. I would jump and giggle and everything. Then I would even go so far as pretending to give birth. I would breathe and push and scream like all the women in all the shows that I was too young to watch but I watched anyway when my parents weren’t paying attention. Sorry mom and dad!

I wanted nothing more in all the world than to be a wife and raise babies with the man I loved. Life has a funny way of turning out doesn’t it?

When David was between 12 and 15 the prophet of Israel came and interrupted his day to anoint him king of Israel. What did David do? He went back to his normal life. When Joseph was a young boy he had a dream that he would be in a position to rule and not long after that was sold into slavery by his own brothers where he remained for decades. Hannah prayed and prayed and ached to give her husband a son, she prayed for a son so desperately Eli the priest thought she was drunk! Boaz, Moses, Joshua, Caleb, Noah, Elisha, Jeremiah, Elizabeth, Zachariah, Simeon, Anna, Mary, Martha and the most famous of all Abraham and Sarah, waited. ALL these men and women waited on the Lord. The Bible is chocked full of people who waited, and waited. Some of these didn’t see the things they longed for come to pass at all, yet they never gave up, and they never stopped trusting the Lord.

Psalm 37:34 Wait on the Lord, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land, when the wicked are cut off you shall see it.

Psalm 27:14 Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

Lamentations 3:26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

I have struggled with obesity for most of my life. I have tried everything under the sun to get this body to a healthy state. I have prayed, I have fasted, (once for over two years) I have wept bitterly, I have hated my body, I have learned to accept it, I have dieted, I have exercised, I have spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on this quest to find myself at a healthy weight. Since I began a new this journey toward a healthy weight I have lost over two hundred pounds and yet after all these years I have never seen the scale where it should be. I was once with in two pounds of reaching my first mile marker towards that ultimate goal. Then I blew out my knees at work about a month apart. I haven’t been able to fully recover form those injuries. It has been three years now and I am not happy to say I have gained a good amount of that weight back. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I feel like I will never see my dream of not being in constant pain and discomfort come true. Really I mean why? Why must this be so hard? I have been waiting and waiting.

I have also been waiting for my heart’s most sacred dream to come true for ever thirty years. I am still single. I have no children. My hair is turning grey and I am starting to get wrinkles. My joints are starting to ache when the weather changes and I get heart burn more than ever before. I am at the dawn of growing old, and I am here alone. I didn’t want this to be my story. I didn’t want to be at the threshold of my fourth decade on earth childless and single. I never ever dreamed of this. I hate it. It is more than I can bare some days. I look down the long road ahead and think of walking it alone and I think sometimes I would rather not go. The last flicker of hope I held for this dream died with in my heart a long time ago.

By the time my great grandmother, grandmother, and mother were 37 they had all lost their ability to bear children due to cancer popping up in their womb. As you can imagine I am not looking forward to my yearly check up this year at all. Honestly I am a little scared. As far as romance goes I feel like dating leftovers. You know what I mean? It’s like the leftovers in the back of the fridge. No one wanted me when I was fresh and on the table. Now I have been in the fridge so long no one is going to choose me because they aren’t sure if I will give them food poising or not.

I know how that sounds. It is so awful and sad but that is the truth. That is how I feel. I have missed it. I have been passed over too many times. I have run out of time. I am an old maid. Some days I feel like the loneliness is an ocean that I am drowning in and I want to surrender to it…

I don’t. I fight, and I keep swimming.

I know I am loved. I know God has things for me to do else I wouldn’t be on the earth. I have love to give even of it doesn’t look the way I want it to.

I just keep waiting.

I tell of these shadows in my soul as honestly as they be so you truly grasp the weight of the words I will next share…

Mary and Martha waited. Lazarus was deathly sick and they sent for Jesus to come heal him. They waited, and Lazarus died. They waited expectantly. They waited four days after Lazarus died. They waited until the last ember of hope has grown stone cold. Lazarus was truly dead and beyond hope of rescue, and that is when Jesus came.

Abraham and Sarah were promised to parent a great nation. They were promised a son. They waited until they were nearly one hundred years old and they had not been blessed with that promised child. Their child bearing years were decades behind them. All hope was dust in the wind. That is when God showed up.

Joseph had been sold into slavery. He was a faithful servant and through no fault of his own had been thrown in jail. He remained there for many years. His chance of being in position of authority was beyond zero. That is when God gave Pharaoh king of Egypt a dream only Joseph could interpret.

Those accounts all have epic endings. Jesus raised Lazarus, Abraham and Sarah had a son at nearly one hundred, and Joseph became the second in command of all of Egypt, only the king himself above him.

The God I serve is able to deliver me, but even if He doesn’t I will worship no other. I will serve no other. God is good beyond measuring no matter my circumstances. His word is true, His promises are kept, and He is faithful like gravity. Though He slay me yet will I trust Him. I will go to my grave singing of the goodness of the Lord even if tings don’t turn out perfectly the way I always dreamed. I know that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living even if my heart’s most sacred, treasured dream never comes to pass. God’s goodness is greater than my disappointments.

I will keep waiting. I will keep singing. I will keep trusting.

Not that long ago I began to realize that I am in control of how I experience life. That how I experience life is part of my God given free will. Allow me to explain. I am overweight. I can focus on that and hate everything, or I can be grateful that I have come as far as I have (set backs and all) and that I am not where I was. I a single, I can loathe my existence, or I can choose to embrace all the good parts of my life and find the good about being single and be grateful. I have a job that can be stressful and I don’t make as much money as I need to. I can walk around like a crankasourusrex being annoyed at the world and complain until I cry, (which until recently I definitely did a fair amount), or I can see all the amazing parts of my job. I can see the incredible opportunity that I have to do things that not everyone gets to do. Yeah I don’t get paid enough, but the place I work is truly special and I have learned and grown so much being there. I get to work with amazing people and I get to be a part of something that really matters every single day. Being there is a privilege that I was blind to because I was so focused on all the parts that were hard. There are things about my life that are hard and suck, but there is SO much more that is wonderful. God has hidden treasure all around me. He has blessed me so much and I was oblivious to it all because I was choosing to only see my dreams that had turned to ashes. I wasn’t experiencing the wonder of all those blessings because all I was looking at was all the things I feel badly about. You become what you behold. I have decided to focus on the goodness the Lord has placed in my life and experience the joy of it.

Philippians 4:8  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

When I was in my twenties I didn’t really have any friends. Either they had moved away, or I had alienated them because I was so obsessed with ministry that I had forgotten how to have real human relationships. I used to pray and pray for a group of friends who shared my values and would do life with me. I wanted people who got me and would encourage me to run hard after Jesus and carry out the great commission. I longed for people who would sing the song of my heart to me when I had forgotten the words. I wanted friends who were more like my family. I asked God to bring these people into my life over and over for years, I fasted and I prayed for them until I ran out of words. Eventually I let go and told God I trusted His timing. If I am being honest I had been praying for that group of friends since I was very young. I had seasons where I thought it was happening but things would change and the friendships would fade. I kept praying and waiting. I waited until I gave up hope that it would ever happen. I chose to love people and serve them no matter what I got in return. Then it happened. God connected and reconnected me with the people who would become the exact tribe I had prayed and cried for and dreamed of for all those years. When all hope was gone and waiting was all that remained that is God working became clear. God had been working that whole time. He had been putting things in motion, preparing my heart and teaching me to a good friend. I couldn’t see it, but looking back I can now.

The other day I was talking with a dear friend and she told me that I deserved all the good things in life. I said “Yes, but that doesn’t mean I am going to get them.” Does that kinda suck? Yes, yes it does but that doesn’t make it any less true. Life is not fair and you know what? God is still good, and the life I experience with Him is still SO good. His words are still true. His promises are still kept. He is still faithful. He is still worthy.

Though He slay me yet will I trust Him.


©Rachel Anne Redfield 2019

Is God Speaking?

Do you ever hear people say “Then God told me…” and wonder what the heck they are talking about? I did. When I first began to go to church I didn’t know anything about the Bible, Christianity or Christians. Whenever I heard Christians saying that they heard GOd speak I thought to myself; “Self, either these people have shared schizophrenia or something else is going on.” Imagine my dismay when I found out there is a compilation of 66 books written by 35 different authors over many hundreds of years filled with people who heard God speaking, each page written by each author hearing God speak themselves.

The Bible is a truly remarkable thing. I have read many books, and it is the only book I have read over and over and over again. I have studied about it, studied from it, designed a tattoo with it, journal-ed  it, put it into art I have made and even made play dough art with it at work. Scripture has become a part of my soul and is written on my heart and my arm. I love the word of God. If you are wanting to hear the voice of the Lord the Bible is a good place to start.

When I was 14 years old I was introduced to the presence of the Lord. To say that it was an overwhelming experience is an understatement. One of the most overwhelming parts of that experience was realizing that God had always been present, I just hadn’t know it. He had always been with me in every moment of my life and I had always sensed Him but I didn’t know who He was. So I began to wonder, was He speaking that whole time and I couldn’t hear Him? Was he speaking now and I still couldn’t hear Him? I had heard so many people at church of all ages saying that God said things to them and I had read in the Bible many tales of God speaking to people. I decided that what all these people were talking about and experiencing as crazy as it seemed MUST BE REAL. If it was real then I wanted it.

I tried for a long time to hear the voice of God but all I heard was radio silence. I began to wonder if God like my mother was giving me the silent treatment because I had done something wrong and He was angry with me. I started to repent from every wrong thing I had ever done in my entire 14 years on earth. I can be a bit melodramatic… I was up at the front of the church every Sunday and Wednesday crying my eyes out asking for God’s forgiveness and and begging Him to talk to me. I talked to my youth pastor who advised me to read the Bible and listen to worship music. He encouraged me not to give up, but I was starting to get really frustrated. I thought maybe I was broken. Maybe I was not good enough for God to speak to me. I tried and strained and still nothing. One night in November when I was 15 about a month after I had fully given my life to Jesus (for those of you counting I was a year older than at the beginning of this tale) I took a giant blanket outside on the balcony of my friend’s apartment to get away and pray. I began to shed soft tears as I said “God I have tried and tried. I have done everything and I still can’t hear you. I give up. I know you are here. I can feel you. I want to hear your voice more tan anything on earth. Please speak to me. I am not going to do anything, or say anything, I am just going to sit here. I am not going to move from this spot even if I am here til I die. I am going to wait and listen until you talk to me.” I was SO mad. I closed my eyes and did something I hadn’t ever done before. I listened with me whole being. I became still and listened. I set aside my rage, insecurity and questions and became still. Within moments it happened. A still small voice from inside me and all around me spoke. I won’t share what the first thing I heard God say to me because it is too sacred to share, but I will say that it was wonderful and perfect. I began to laugh and cry and hyperventilate a little.

I replied “Wow! That is not what I was expecting! Your voice came from everywhere even inside me. I don’t understand.”

He replied, “You invited me to make a home in your heart remember? I am always here all around you and within you. I love you and I will never leave you. Now that you have stopped doing and started listening you heard me. I have been talking this whole time but you were so busy trying to hear me that you forgot to be still and listen.”

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God…

This was one of many, many times I learned that God doesn’t over complicate things like I do.

It is like playing hide and seek with a toddler. You want them to seek you and FIND you so you hide where you can be found. Imagine a grown man hiding behind a lamp post, or a very thin tree. You get the idea. It is like that with God, He wants you to seek Him so that you experience the thrill and joy of FINDING Him the way He found you.

Image result for man hiding behind small tree

Jeremiah 29:13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

God can speak through the words of scripture, the beauty of the sunrise and sunset, through the lyrics of a song, the vast expanse of the stars, the lines of a poem, the power of the ocean, a painting, the flavor of foods, the colors in a flower, the caress of the breeze, the hug of a loved one, the words of a stranger, the scent of  home, the laugh of a child, a smile, a story, or a scene in a TV show or movie. There are countless ways the Lord speaks to you of His love, and His goodness. Be still and know that He is God. He is so good. Listen.



©Rachel Anne Redfield 2019

Dear Penny,

I cried today. As hard as I ever have. No matter what people say time does not heal all wounds. There are some things that happen that will never be okay. Ever.

Twenty years.


Twenty years without your laugh. Twenty years without your words. Twenty years without your spunk. Twenty years without your warmth. Twenty years without the radiant smile you always hid from cameras because you didn’t like your teeth. Twenty years without your hugs. Twenty years with the empty place you left on the earth.

Your arms were always safe. Your words were always firm but kind. You were steady through all the unsteady seasons of my tender years. You were there as I learned to eat with forks and spoons instead of my hands. You were there as I learned to use a toilet. You helped me to not be afraid it was going to suck me in. You were there as I learned to use my words to express my feelings and not to throw and break things. You taught me to count to ten and breathe when I felt angry. You were there as I learned to ride a bike, to talk to my peers… and to BOYS! You were there after my first day of High School. You were there the first time I got dumped by a boy. You were there when my mom and I went shopping for my middle school promotion dress. You were at so many soccer, softball, and volley ball games.

You were my harbor through my parents divorce. You were there when I gave my heart to Jesus and my family did not know who I was anymore. You would let me stumble my way through explaining what had so transformed me. You were there in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. You always listened and I learned how to listen from you. You were there when migraines splintered my world. You were there when my mom couldn’t be. You were always there. You helped build me. You had a hand in raising me. It will never sit well with me that now you are missing.

It was a day very like today when the world stopped turning. It was warm and breezy. It was Friday and the whole day felt off. I remember exactly where I was when the phone rang. I felt sick. I heard my dad answer and my blood went cold when he said my name. I knew. I could feel it. As my mom said the words that shattered my heart through her violent gasping sobs all I could think about were your babies. My best friends, the kids I was growing up with. We all still needed you. What now? I went to them as fast as possible. I had no words. There were none that could ever make any of it better. I looked into their eyes. I hugged them. I cried with them. There was nothing else to be done.

You were gone. It wasn’t fair. It was unbearable and yet you were gone still.

Today I sit here the same age you were when you left this earth. My heart is still breaking. It has been breaking for twenty years. It will keep breaking as long as I draw breath. I will miss you for the rest of my life. This is grief.

I wonder what you would think of me. Would you be proud of who I have become? Would we still be close? How different would this pocket of the world be if you had continued to live and love so well as you did?

I know you are with Jesus. I know you are at peace. Your kids are magnificent. You smile down on them I am sure. We miss you Penn. Happy angelversary.

©️Rachel Anne Redfield 2019

The Best

Many years ago someone told me that I wasn’t a musician. This message has been echoed by others throughout my years of figuring out what it means to be an adult. There were times when a musician friend would say out of the blue, completely unsolicited that I just wasn’t meant to be musician, but I was a good singer and should just focus on that. Sometimes some random person would tell me something similar and they would usually follow up with “… and if you could just sing a little quieter you would really be something.”

The truth is I am not an amazing singer nor am I an amazing musician. I can sing well, but I am not a special talent. Even after years of practice I am a poor musician, mediocre at best. I know that I am not a master nor will I ever be. In my twenties and most of my thirties I pushed for greatness. Perfection even. I was obsessed. I wanted to be the best! I wanted to be one of those people that could play everything in a band and know all the musical things. I wanted to be amazing and I wasn’t. So I did the logical thing. I studied and practiced and perfected my craft… except none of that actually happened. I actually gave up. I quit playing. I quit singing… well I sang less. I decided that if I couldn’t be the best then I didn’t see the point. I will never be great or even good so I will just stop.

I am not amazing. No matter how hard I work at it I will never be beyond that reality. Even if I was tremendously more skilled than I am there would still be someone out there more skilled and talented than me.

For many years I played for the Lord in secret most of the time. I would sing songs to the Lord with my guitar, or keyboard and at first it was just my voice, all alone. I didn’t care how well I played or sang. It didn’t matter how perfect it was or wasn’t it was just about being with Him. It was about pouring out my affection for My Maker, the Lover of my soul, my Master, my King. I couldn’t wait to be alone with God. It was everything. He was everything and all that mattered was bringing Him my best no matter what it looked like.

As time went on other people’s opinions began go influence me much more than they should have because I had no idea what boundaries were. Because of this I would let the words of those who hadn’t earned the right to speak into my life in the doorway of my heart.

I have always been insecure about my abilities as a musician. I am self taught and that has left me feeling like I don’t know what I am doing most of the time. Also I actually don’t so there is that. Furthermore I don’t practice enough which doesn’t help.

Then it happens. A skilled musician who was a friend told me that my guitar playing was not his favorite. He said my style was hard for a band to follow and that he would rather me just play keys and sing. So I put my guitar in the case and left it there for years. YEARS. Four of them.

Even after getting it out I would only play it once in while. My friend Eric played my guitar more than I did in 2018 and 2017 for that matter.

I felt incapable of playing good enough so I just stopped. The thing is though that is relly stupid. Who cares if I suck?! Who cares if I suck for the rest of ever?! It doesn’t actually matter if I suck or not if it is something I enjoy. And you know what? I do. I really enjoy it. Music is like oxygen to my soul. Creating and playing music gives me life. Playing my guitar alone in my room for the Lord was one of the first ways that I was able to deeply connect to God. That is something precious. That is not something to just throw by the wayside just because someone said that I technically suck.

The reality is I am not nor will I ever be an extraordinary musician or vocalist. I will not nor will I ever be an amazing artist but that doesn’t mean that I should stop creating. Creating is something that I am moved to do, it calls to me and is in me. I can’t stop playing musical instruments, drawing, painting, writing or singing any more than I can stop breathing.

The thing I have realized is that God is the only one who is capable of true perfection. That is part of His holiness. As for the rest us perfection is relative. That is right folks perfection is relative. I can strive for perfection but if I compare myself to someone else’s perfection than I will never get there and all I will ever do is cause myself to become insane. I can never really be perfect by your perspective but I can be perfect for me. I can find perfection that I am capable of. I can strive to improve my skills and be better than I was before. But I will never be better than you… well I mean I am sure I will be better than someone but that isn’t really my point.

My point is that I shouldn’t let someone else determine what I do with my own skills, or lack there of. I shouldn’t allow some eles’s opinion of my level of skill rob me of joy. I can’t allow anything to breach the conduits of my connection with the Lord. It doesn’t matter if I am “good enough” or if anyone else ever sees or hears what I do. It’s not about that. God put these things inside of me, and He wants me to let my light shine. The Bible doesn’t say make to make a perfect sound to the Lord it says to make a joyful one. God wants us to give Him our all, to bring Him the best of what we have with a joyful heart. Perfection is relative. My perfect offering will be different than yours and that is more than okay. It is enough. Your best is enough. My best is enough.

So if you like me have put your guitar, or whatever away because someone else caused you to feel like you don’t have what it takes shake that crap off! Who cares?! If it is how you connect with the Lord and it brings you joy do it anyway!

If you need me I will be playing my guitar (poorly) with a bunch of amazing tiny humans worshipping the Lord. We will be connecting with the Maker of all things having the time of our lives. ❤️

(C) Rachel Anne Redfield 2019