Breaking

My heart is broken. Someone else has a heart that is broken too. I am responsible for that. It really is that simple. I never wanted that to happen. I am sad that I have hurt him and even though he hurt me first it doesn’t matter. I take no solace in harming another person. It was unavoidable. It was inevitable. There was nothing else I could have done differently. It matters not. I hurt him, and I am sad. I am sad and I am sorry.

What a mess.

Messes are tricky. They are a difficult thing to deal with. Sometimes a mess can be so big that one does not know where to begin to even clean it up. I have learned that in such cases it is best to just start. It dose not matter where. Just start cleaning.

I know that I have made the right decision. I know that it was what needed to be done. I know he and I will recover and it is for the best. I know all of this yet still there is an aching in my chest. I feel a bit like Lash from Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. has attacked. (All the nerds out there will understand. For the rest of you just imagine a monster put a big hole in my chest.)

I am aware that I am on the right path and that I have a bright future. I am surrounded by so much love. God is so deeply good. I could try and run away from the pain. I could try and stuff it all down, not talk about it and eat fried food and chocolate until it stops, but I am not going to do that. I am going to feel the pain. I am going to walk through the pain. I am going to live through the pain. This time as I face heartache I am going to make a different choice. I am going to talk about it. I have talked about it. I am almost sick of hearing myself talk about it, but I need to. If I am going to heal and move forward with life I need to talk about it.

Having a broken heart sucks. Breaking someone’s heart sucks. It is a lot to process. It is a lot to make peace with. Still in the midst of all of this I am learning:

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

“He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

I am learning how to connect with God in a way that I have never experienced before. I feel loved by God, by my family, and my friends and it is real. Love is real and for the first time in my life I feel it. I knew people loved me in my head, but my heart wasn’t so sure. I had a duel going on inside of me. That duel has been settled and love has won. I no longer feel alone in this life. I have never felt that way before. Ever. It never ceases to amaze me how God can bring such breathtaking beauty put of such breathtaking devastation.

He is a good good Father.