Dear Penny,

I cried today. As hard as I ever have. No matter what people say time does not heal all wounds. There are some things that happen that will never be okay. Ever.

Twenty years.


Twenty years without your laugh. Twenty years without your words. Twenty years without your spunk. Twenty years without your warmth. Twenty years without the radiant smile you always hid from cameras because you didn’t like your teeth. Twenty years without your hugs. Twenty years with the empty place you left on the earth.

Your arms were always safe. Your words were always firm but kind. You were steady through all the unsteady seasons of my tender years. You were there as I learned to eat with forks and spoons instead of my hands. You were there as I learned to use a toilet. You helped me to not be afraid it was going to suck me in. You were there as I learned to use my words to express my feelings and not to throw and break things. You taught me to count to ten and breathe when I felt angry. You were there as I learned to ride a bike, to talk to my peers… and to BOYS! You were there after my first day of High School. You were there the first time I got dumped by a boy. You were there when my mom and I went shopping for my middle school promotion dress. You were at so many soccer, softball, and volley ball games.

You were my harbor through my parents divorce. You were there when I gave my heart to Jesus and my family did not know who I was anymore. You would let me stumble my way through explaining what had so transformed me. You were there in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. You always listened and I learned how to listen from you. You were there when migraines splintered my world. You were there when my mom couldn’t be. You were always there. You helped build me. You had a hand in raising me. It will never sit well with me that now you are missing.

It was a day very like today when the world stopped turning. It was warm and breezy. It was Friday and the whole day felt off. I remember exactly where I was when the phone rang. I felt sick. I heard my dad answer and my blood went cold when he said my name. I knew. I could feel it. As my mom said the words that shattered my heart through her violent gasping sobs all I could think about were your babies. My best friends, the kids I was growing up with. We all still needed you. What now? I went to them as fast as possible. I had no words. There were none that could ever make any of it better. I looked into their eyes. I hugged them. I cried with them. There was nothing else to be done.

You were gone. It wasn’t fair. It was unbearable and yet you were gone still.

Today I sit here the same age you were when you left this earth. My heart is still breaking. It has been breaking for twenty years. It will keep breaking as long as I draw breath. I will miss you for the rest of my life. This is grief.

I wonder what you would think of me. Would you be proud of who I have become? Would we still be close? How different would this pocket of the world be if you had continued to live and love so well as you did?

I know you are with Jesus. I know you are at peace. Your kids are magnificent. You smile down on them I am sure. We miss you Penn. Happy angelversary.

©️Rachel Anne Redfield 2019

The Best

Many years ago someone told me that I wasn’t a musician. This message has been echoed by others throughout my years of figuring out what it means to be an adult. There were times when a musician friend would say out of the blue, completely unsolicited that I just wasn’t meant to be musician, but I was a good singer and should just focus on that. Sometimes some random person would tell me something similar and they would usually follow up with “… and if you could just sing a little quieter you would really be something.”

The truth is I am not an amazing singer nor am I an amazing musician. I can sing well, but I am not a special talent. Even after years of practice I am a poor musician, mediocre at best. I know that I am not a master nor will I ever be. In my twenties and most of my thirties I pushed for greatness. Perfection even. I was obsessed. I wanted to be the best! I wanted to be one of those people that could play everything in a band and know all the musical things. I wanted to be amazing and I wasn’t. So I did the logical thing. I studied and practiced and perfected my craft… except none of that actually happened. I actually gave up. I quit playing. I quit singing… well I sang less. I decided that if I couldn’t be the best then I didn’t see the point. I will never be great or even good so I will just stop.

I am not amazing. No matter how hard I work at it I will never be beyond that reality. Even if I was tremendously more skilled than I am there would still be someone out there more skilled and talented than me.

For many years I played for the Lord in secret most of the time. I would sing songs to the Lord with my guitar, or keyboard and at first it was just my voice, all alone. I didn’t care how well I played or sang. It didn’t matter how perfect it was or wasn’t it was just about being with Him. It was about pouring out my affection for My Maker, the Lover of my soul, my Master, my King. I couldn’t wait to be alone with God. It was everything. He was everything and all that mattered was bringing Him my best no matter what it looked like.

As time went on other people’s opinions began go influence me much more than they should have because I had no idea what boundaries were. Because of this I would let the words of those who hadn’t earned the right to speak into my life in the doorway of my heart.

I have always been insecure about my abilities as a musician. I am self taught and that has left me feeling like I don’t know what I am doing most of the time. Also I actually don’t so there is that. Furthermore I don’t practice enough which doesn’t help.

Then it happens. A skilled musician who was a friend told me that my guitar playing was not his favorite. He said my style was hard for a band to follow and that he would rather me just play keys and sing. So I put my guitar in the case and left it there for years. YEARS. Four of them.

Even after getting it out I would only play it once in while. My friend Eric played my guitar more than I did in 2018 and 2017 for that matter.

I felt incapable of playing good enough so I just stopped. The thing is though that is relly stupid. Who cares if I suck?! Who cares if I suck for the rest of ever?! It doesn’t actually matter if I suck or not if it is something I enjoy. And you know what? I do. I really enjoy it. Music is like oxygen to my soul. Creating and playing music gives me life. Playing my guitar alone in my room for the Lord was one of the first ways that I was able to deeply connect to God. That is something precious. That is not something to just throw by the wayside just because someone said that I technically suck.

The reality is I am not nor will I ever be an extraordinary musician or vocalist. I will not nor will I ever be an amazing artist but that doesn’t mean that I should stop creating. Creating is something that I am moved to do, it calls to me and is in me. I can’t stop playing musical instruments, drawing, painting, writing or singing any more than I can stop breathing.

The thing I have realized is that God is the only one who is capable of true perfection. That is part of His holiness. As for the rest us perfection is relative. That is right folks perfection is relative. I can strive for perfection but if I compare myself to someone else’s perfection than I will never get there and all I will ever do is cause myself to become insane. I can never really be perfect by your perspective but I can be perfect for me. I can find perfection that I am capable of. I can strive to improve my skills and be better than I was before. But I will never be better than you… well I mean I am sure I will be better than someone but that isn’t really my point.

My point is that I shouldn’t let someone else determine what I do with my own skills, or lack there of. I shouldn’t allow some eles’s opinion of my level of skill rob me of joy. I can’t allow anything to breach the conduits of my connection with the Lord. It doesn’t matter if I am “good enough” or if anyone else ever sees or hears what I do. It’s not about that. God put these things inside of me, and He wants me to let my light shine. The Bible doesn’t say make to make a perfect sound to the Lord it says to make a joyful one. God wants us to give Him our all, to bring Him the best of what we have with a joyful heart. Perfection is relative. My perfect offering will be different than yours and that is more than okay. It is enough. Your best is enough. My best is enough.

So if you like me have put your guitar, or whatever away because someone else caused you to feel like you don’t have what it takes shake that crap off! Who cares?! If it is how you connect with the Lord and it brings you joy do it anyway!

If you need me I will be playing my guitar (poorly) with a bunch of amazing tiny humans worshipping the Lord. We will be connecting with the Maker of all things having the time of our lives. ❤️

(C) Rachel Anne Redfield 2019

Do It Anyway

Life can be crazy and exhausting. For MANY years I was depressed and hated literally everything about myself and my life. I felt helpless and trapped. I wasn’t though. I wished, longed even — for death. Then I was faced with the possibility of cancer destroying my body and claiming my life. Strangely (considering I wanted to die) I did not rejoice.

I ended up dodging the bullet of cancer as the mass was benign. It was removed and I was declared cancer free. Thank the Lord. You would think that would be the worst thing and there is nothing good about it, however something like that is a great lens. Like the lens of a telescope it brings things into sharp focus. I began to realize some things. For one I did not in fact actually want to cease living. It became clear I just hated many aspects of my life and felt as though they would never change. Being faced with the possibility of death caused me to see that none of that was real.

The second thing I realized was that I wanted to live. That may sound like the first thing but it is not. Not wanting to die and wanting to live are different. I wanted to live. I wanted to go places and do things. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to leave my house and have adventures. I wanted to explore. I had lived in the same town my whole life and hadn’t even set foot in most of the parks. I had never explored Portland (the big city) at all. I had never driven myself to the beach even though it was only two hours away. I hadn’t been camping as an adult. I wanted to fly in an air plane. I wanted to go to Disneyland. I wanted watch the sun rise and set in the same day. I wanted to taste things that I wouldn’t normally taste. I wanted to live, to laugh, to love, to taste, to see, to breathe deep. I wanted to live.

The next thing that became clear was that I wanted to become a wife and a mother. I wanted to fall in love, to have someone fall in love with me and for us to be in love with each other at the same time together. I wanted to create a home for the man I loved. I wanted to craft a sanctuary filled with warmth and peace. I wanted deeply in my heart to raise children with my love that would always know the love of Jesus and how much they matter.

I wanted to change.

I have been working on that change for about eight years and I have to say I am pretty darn happy now. My life is by no means perfect. There are still things I am working on improving. There are still areas that I wish were farther along and “better”, but I kinda like my life and myself.

I have friends and have done a lot of the things I wanted to do that I thought were impossible. I lost over 200 pounds. I gained some back and then lost it… and then gained some back but hey two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward! 🎉 I went to Hawaii and zip lined across a valley 100 feet high! I have become quite familiar with all the parks around my residence. I even gave internet dating a try and acquired a crazy ex! (If aforementioned ex is reading this please don’t comment. I will delete it without reading it. No one knows who you are, and this is not about you.) I also went to Disneyland and many other amazing things I wanted to do. God is so good. He has blessed me with the best tribe of friends on the planet. NONE of the best things I have experienced since that life changing scare would have happened without the people who are in my life: I am not worthy. 😭 ❤️🙏🏼

As for the rest of it the real game changer was learning to do something even when I didn’t want to. NIKE was on to something all those years ago. The house is a mess and I feel like dodo and I don’t want to clean it. Do it anyway. I was a jerk and I don’t want to admit it and apologize. Do it anyway. I don’t want to go to work. Do it anyway. I don’t want to go for a walk. Do it anyway. I don’t want to eat salad again. DO IT ANYWAY! I don’t want to finish my laundry. Do it anyway. I don’t want to get out of bed. Do it anyway. I don’t want to read my bible. DO IT ANYWAY! I don’t want to turn off Netflix and go outside. Do it anyway.

No matter what it is if I need to do it, if it is good for me, if it is important – wanting is irrelevant. I must choose to just do it. Get up and do it anyway. Even if I am tired, even if I am sore, even if I don’t want to, even when I would rather not, I do it anyway.

Am I perfect in this? Heck to the no. Did I just consume and entire day’s worth of calories in one meal? Yes. Yes I did. I am not perfect. I am still figuring it out and fighting against the lazy parts of my personality. I am a work in progress. I still have weight to loose, adventures to have and a whole lot of other things. I still have a life to live.

I will be really honest. Sometimes I get stuck. I think about the things I have yet to do , and things that seem not to be, and I feel like giving up. If I let it, that ocean of depression I once called home will crash over me. Before I realize where my mind is headed I find myself entertaining those thoughts form the dark days when I just wanted to close my eyes and have it all be over. It is annoying how fast I can be there again. After all the things I have done to move past it — 💥bam.

The thing is I can’t dwell on it. Dwelling on it makes it worse. I cannot beat myself up. I have to just change my focus to all the things I have to be grateful for. I have to let go of those thoughts. I have to stand in the sun, breathe deep and choose gratitude. I have to pick up the phone and call my momma and tell her she is important to me. I have to get up and tell one of my friends how much they matter.

I may never have children. I may never be able to build a life with someone, and that home I dream of creating may never exist. I may always be over weight and have pain in my knees. I may always be living on a shoestring and never be able to go running again. If I don’t want to be filled with despair and hate my existence I have to learn to be content. The way to do that is to be grateful. Things aren’t the way the ‘should’ be, and I don’t see how I can be grateful. Do it anyway.

Life is fragile and short. I may not be here tomorrow so I am going to make sure that everyone knows that they matter to me and I am grateful for them. I don’t want to leave any doubt. Also I am going to choose to be grateful everyday. No matter how bad it is there is always something. Most of the time I could trip over the heap of things to be be grateful for. All I have to do is to have eyes to see the blessings in my life. One of them just interrupted me as I was writing this just to call and see how my week was. 😭❤️ I am so blessed.

I could have never imagined the life I have now eight years ago when I was pushing 500lbs basically had no friends and discovered a tumor in my right breast. I faced that trail (save for my momma and the Lord) alone. I have faced trails since and had support all the way through. It is much better that way. I have a completely different life now.

I just want to say to my tribe (you know who you are): you are everything. I am nothing with the Lord and you. All of you. I love you. Thank you for lighting up my life. You mean the world to me. ❤️

So if you are reading this and you want to change but you don’t think you can, do it anyway.

Remember you cal do ALL things through Christ.



©️Rachel Anne Redfield 2018

Believe The Truth Challenge (day 9)

A few weeks ago a dear friend began a challenge. She called it: #believethetruthchallenge

This challenge requires her to daily admit a negative thing, lie, or a self-critical belief she held, and then attack it with the opposite truth, and to share this on social media.

Sometimes we Christ followers refer to such thoughts or beliefs such as ‘I’m lazy’ as lies. Rightly so, as they are lies or at least misplaced perspective towards oneself.

I decided to join her on this challenge. I became aware very early on that this was not going to be an easy thing. Hence the word challenge. 🙃 I knew it would stretch me but I had no idea all that would be stirred. I quickly became overwhelmed and considered throwing in the towel but I have decided to follow through.

I recently realized some of these things would require a bit more than a quick Instagram post, and that brings me to where I am today.

It is no secret to anyone with fully functioning eyes that I could stand to lose more than a few pounds. My roommate’s daughter told me just yesterday in fact “Rachel you should lose weight.”

*warning side rant*

Why on earth do thinner people think it is okay to say that to a chubby person? Like losing weight is just some easy thing to do like they are just saying ‘Go to the store.’ Or ‘Walk the dog.’ Seriously do you have ANY idea how incredibly difficult it is to lose weight? You are talking about a many-year commitment and an entirely new way of doing EVERYTHING. Losing weight is not an easy thing, so shut up! 🔥🔥💥 Unless you are my momma or my doctor, shut your cotton picking pie-hole and mind your own business. 😤  Thanks. 👌🏼

Any way…

I am by all sense of the definition fat. I am fat. I am a fat person. It’s okay, don’t cry. Oddly enough I also feel like a fat person. Being fat is not only a physical state of being, it is also (as every woman knows) a feeling. I imagine the feeling is a bit worse when you actually are fat, but I digress.

I struggle with this daily, sometimes hourly. I feel as though I am not a human person. I rail against my body. I even have on many occasions and levels hated it. I have been disgusted by my body, revolted even.

The thing is though that’s not fair. My body didn’t force me to eat all those calories. My body didn’t force me to eat double quarter-pounders with cheese, buckets of fries, six chocolate chip cookies, and a milkshake on the regular. My body didn’t force me to lay around the house for 8 to 10 hours a day watching movies. I did all those things to my body. If hating should happen my body should be hating me.

God gave me this beautiful gift and I cookie by cheeseburger desecrated it. Are there extenuating circumstances as to why I became so morbidly obese? Yes. Are there biological factors at play here? Yes. Did I lose over 200 pounds? Yes. However that is not an excuse and it does not negate the fact that I made hundreds of extremely unhealthy, poor decisions. I treated my body like the nations treat our oceans. I repent.

Without my body I would have no home for my spirit and soul. I would not be me. My body has afforded me the privilege of experiencing the earth in all its wonder. My body (even in its broken down state) is a marvel. My body is a God-designed masterpiece, despite my efforts to ruin it. It is strong and resilient. My body is a miracle in many ways.

I have decided to stop hating it. I have decided to be grateful for it now. I have decided to see the beauty and glory God has deposited in it now the way it is, and not wait until it is in “better shape” to love and appreciate my body. My body is not perfect but it is a gift and I am grateful.

©Rachel Anne Redfield 2017


Gossip… it is such a small word… six letters, yet it can destroy the world. It may not literally cause the earth to explode in flaming doom but it sure can feel like the end of the world and it can lead to the end of a relationship.

I have struggled for many years to define gossip. I am inclined to understand things and usually the way I begin that process is to grasp completely the definition of something. I have not found this to be an easy task when it comes to gossip. The bible teaches that gossip is evil and not to be done. It is pretty clear that the Big Nacho Eater in the sky finds gossip to be a deplorable practice. Because I am a person who cares about doing things that make God’s heart happy I want to make sure not to be participating in gossip. I fail at this goal all the time. All. The. Time.

I hear others say things like ‘I am woman so I like to gossip.’ ‘It is just so hard not to!’ ‘I like it, it’s fun.’ Okay that last one nearly made me gag, but honestly I have heard people say it. Men and women by the way. Ladies get a bad wrap for tongue wagging but I have known men to be among some of the worst gossips on the planet. I would dare say that it is a even split. I think that I might be able to write a book on this topic and perhaps one day I will, but that day is not today.

I shall return to the beginning. What is gossip?

When I was a teen in youth group it was explained as talking about other people in a way that is not true. Spreading rumors in other words. So I tucked that away and made sure not to do that. I didn’t spread, or continue to spread rumors. If I heard something about someone I would go to that person and ask them about it. That is where the trouble started. I thought I was not gossiping. I didn’t think I was doing wrong yet I found myself hurting people that I cared about. I have come to learn though that, that is not a true or correct definition of gossip. In fact that is a definition of yet another no no from the bible, (man so many rules!) and it is slander. Spreading rumors and lies about someone is slander. It is also very poisonous and destructive, but not gossip.

So then what in the world is gossip and how do I not participate? Where is the line between talking with friends about life and gossip?

Websters defines it this way:


idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others

Hmm. Well that wasn’t much help. Thanks for nothing you useless reptile. 😉

As I have traveled through life there have been many times that I have been talking with friends and as we were catching up the conversation would go to the topic of others and I began to feel unsettled in myself. For many years I ignored it as I did with all of my feelings. In the last few years I have been intentional about not ignoring my heart. I have not encountered this scenario very many times in the last few years but there are two times that stand out.

One of the times was about three years ago at the beginning of my non heart ignoring lifestyle. A friend was sharing with me some concern she had for a family situation and shared with me her thoughts and opinions and conversations surrounding it. Later I was talking with another close friend and member of the same family and the topic came up. This person was sharing their hurt and frustration and I told them something my other friend had told me and boy did it cause a problem. Not only did it make an already bad situation worse but it deeply hurt my friend. I was not thinking. I was trying to help. I didn’t think that what I had done was gossip but it was. I could have destroyed a precious friendship. My friend forgave me and chose to still trust me after that debacle. When I think of the risk that she took I am amazed at her strength and grace. I don’t know that I would have been able to give the gift she gave to me to someone who hurt me that way. I don’t deserve her.

Another happened recently and after many restless nights I am still licking my wounds. A while ago I was in a situation where I was catching up with a friend and the conversation went towards a mutual friend. She began to tell me things so and so had told so and so and I listened for much longer than I should have. I began to feel a little sick in my heart and I steered the conversation away from that topic. Later I wondered why I had felt that way. Was it because that was gossip? Recently the person whom the information concerned shared with me the same thing and when I respond with the words ‘I know.’  the pain it caused him was palpable. I might as well have stabbed him in the heart with a flaming sword. It took him a couple of days to let me know how much that hurt him, and what he thought of it all. His words were… painful to hear. In fact they burned through me and my entire body grew cold. He was not unkind, and what he said was truth. Still it sucks to hurt a friend and to know that they have lost respect for you.

I never thought how either of my friends would feel about what I listened to and what I said. I never thought about how any of the people I have listened to other people talk about would feel.

 I have come to realize that gossip is discussing anything about another person that does not edify, honor, or support them. True or not true is irrelevant. Talking about another persons failure, indiscretion, ruin, health, or personal business is gossip. The only person’s failure, indiscretion, ruin, health, or personal business you should be talking about is your own.

If you are about to talk about someone put yourself in their place. Ask yourself if I were them how would I feel about this topic being talked about? Would it hurt you? Would it make you feel uncomfortable, or bad? Don’t say it. Also ask your self if it edifies, honors, or supports the person. If it doesn’t then don’t say it. When someone asks you how a mutual acquaintance is doing make sure you only share things that honor the person. If you can’t think of anything then say ‘You should call them up and ask yourself.’ These questions would have helped me to avoid both of these situations and countless others that came before them.

I wish I could take back the hurt that I caused by my ignorance, I wish I had not failed my friends, but I have learned form both of those failures. I hope that I can be more sensitive in the future and live as a better friend.

©Rachel Anne Redfield 2017


I was talking with a dear friend about words. Words are powerful. Words are more than mere mutterings, and they are more than symbols on a page. They are so much more. Words carry a lot of power. With your words you can literally mold your future.

Now I know what you are thinking; ‘Oh great she has jumped into the pool of coocooness and gone off the deep end!’ , or maybe; ‘Well that sounds like a bunch of poop. I am going to stop reading if she doesn’t start making sense.’ Well hang on a minute bear with me.

I have read many accounts of people who have said very specific things that seemed absurd and those things happened. For example I read about a father on the east coast who had a daughter that lost her ability to walk due to a car accident. He would often say, “I would give my right arm for my daughter to walk again.” One day he and his daughter were traveling and were in another accident. After all was said and done his daughter somehow regained the feeling in her legs and walked again, and he had lost his right arm in the accident. Spooky. Also I read about how Jim Carey would sit at a look out point in the Hollywood hills and picture millions of dollars coming to him. He did this when he was broke and his car was practically falling apart. He nor his car are no longer broke, and he continues to be one of the highest paid actors in tinsel town. What is the point am I saying? Am I saying that if I sit and visualize living on the moon someday I will live have a vacation home there? Maybe. What I am really poking at though is that words are powerful. What ever you say is what you life will look like. “As a man thinks in his heart so is he.” -Proverbs 23:7

Do you think to yourself ‘I can do this. I can do anything I put my mind to.’ Do you think, ‘I am a looser. No one likes me. I am not special, or talented.’ Do you think, ‘I am a failure. Things never work out for me.’ Do you think,’Everyone who meets me loves me. I am an amazing person.’ Whichever of these things you think you are right! Do you think you are the most freaking awesome person ever? You are right! Do you think you are the worst and no one really likes you? You are right! Do you know that happiness is a house you  and YOU alone can build?

Image result for happiness cartoon i made it myself

God gave us an amazing amount of power. When we join our life with His the amount of power is extravagant beyond human understanding, but all on our own with just the basic amount of pull He has endowed us all it is mind boggling. We have free will. He made us to be the master of our little pocket of the universe. That is what life is. When you were born you were given a small pocket of the universe to steward, shape and influence.

I don’t know about you but for most of my life I have been entirely oblivious to the glorious privilege that I have been given. Life is just… well life. I exist and I often take that for granted entirely. I never really thought about the amazing blessing that not only consciousness but life on earth actually is. Even when life is hard, even when life is pain, it is still devastatingly radiant. I have only lived about of a third of the time I will likely travel on this planet and it has already been one swirly, lovely, adrenaline laden, self expanding, mind bowing journey. I have been in some dark places in life, and I have also been in some overwhelmingly luminous ones. I have tasted, touched, heard, smelled and seen incredible things. I have loved, been loved, created, destroyed, traveled, been stationary, taken, given, hurt, healed, shrank, grown, sacrificed, risked, blessed, been blessed, read, learned, taught, listened, spoken, remained silent, roared, succeeded, failed, fallen, soared, climbed, slipped, fought, won, lost, breathed, and held my breath. I have made friends, and I have lost them. I have been present at the beginning of lives, and at the end lives. They are both filled with wonder. I think that as I stand here in the middle of my third decade spinning around the yellow star we call the sun my toes touch the threshold of an awareness that will forever change me.

God has given me many gifts. They are seemingly common. All people have them. I have the gift of words, time, choice, and life. I have for a time my own pocket of the universe to shape and influence. Within that pocket are all the people that love me and that I love. Also in the pocket are people that I know and know me to one depth or another. Every single thing I choose to say and do whether to myself or to them effects all of those people in some way or another. Even if I choose to stay in my house and never speak to anyone that effects people. I have realized that in life there is no such thing as a sure bet, or a safe one.

I have also realized that whatever story I tell myself is what I will live. If I tell myself I am no better than excrement and have nothing of value to offer than that is how I will live and everything I say will reflect that world view. If I hate myself everything I say and do will be mingled with that blackness. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” -Jesus

If however I learn to love, value and speak kindly to myself, and forgive easily my short comings that light and warmth will spill out of me as well. If I fill myself with the thoughts and love of my Maker how much more will I live? “I have come that you would have life, and life more abundant!” -Jesus

I have experienced abundant moments but I have yet to live an abundant life. I want that. I want abundant life. God has been showing me that all great change begins with small easy changes. For me the beginning of my trek towards abundant life looks like receiving the finished of the work of the cross, and changing my words. The Master of the universe gave me the life of His only son. It is not acceptable for me to say any destructive words about myself. It is not acceptable to hold myself hostage to any of my past sins. They are forgiven and that forgiveness is complete. It is not acceptable to tear and rip my self-worth apart every time I stumble or get stuck for a bit. It is not acceptable to pour poisonous words into my mind and heart about myself. All that God has for me is love, all He has for me is good. God is good. God is love. I want to be more like Him. He made me in His image and I need to be restored to a pure sate of that refection. Words are the beginning of that restoration.

I am a child of God. I am the child of the King of kings. I am loved. I am accepted in the Beloved. I am whole. I am filled with power. I am a child of God. I am not anything less.

Change your words, change your pocket of the universe.

©Rachel Anne Redfield 2017

Image result for galaxies



 Sometimes things do not turn out the way I want them to. Sometimes things don’t go the way I hope. Sometimes things happen that just plain suck.

Life has been rough for me lately. In fact 2015 was not a stellar year for me all around. It began and it ended with deep gut wrenching heartache. There was quite a lot of it in the middle too. I have been in some of the lowest low points I have ever been in… ever. I have made some really bad decisions. I have made some very tough decisions. I have suffered some big losses. In fact the person I was at the beginning of this year would at this point be throwing in the towel on life right about now. The person I am now though is not going to do that.

Some things in me are very different than they once were. I do admit I feel the familiar tug of self pity knocking on my heart’s door. However the person I am now knows better. For example I now know in my heart that in spite of how things may appear right now God is on my side. God is for me, God is fighting for me, and God is on time. I also know that even though I have suffered loss I am not a loser. I am not alone. I am not destroyed. I am not less. I am not desolate.

Sometimes life kicks me in the teeth. That is just what happens when living life in an imperfect world. This year life has kicked me in the teeth many times. Some of the times I brought the kick on myself, and sometimes I didn’t. The strange thing is that it still feels just as horrible when I brought it on myself as when I didn’t.

After this year I could go on and on about all the wrongs done to me, all the failures and defeats. I could lament and wail about the injustice of it all and ask, “why me? Why do I have to suffer on top of suffering?!” If I were to go into details I am sure most people would sympathize and understand why I would lament so. Oddly though, I have no desire for lamentations.

Do I feel all perky and awesome inside right now? No. No I do not. Even so I feel at peace. I feel loved and deeply grateful. God loves me a lot. God is looking out for me and saved me from certain and utter destruction. I have amazing people in my life who really, actually, really for real love and cherish me. Those people are looking out for me and are standing with me and are willing to go to bat for me if I need them to. I am surrounded on all sides but such real extravagant Love.

I will exit 2015 as I entered it: single. I will however exit 2015 much much differently than I entered it: single but not alone, single and deeply loved.

I may not have someone to kiss me at midnight, I may not have someone to make plans for the coming year with regarding a future together, I may not be planning my dream wedding in 2016, but I am not broken up about it. I have so many people who love me and, unlike at the beginning of this year, I see and hear them now. I may not get a smooch tonight, but I know that someone (probably more than one) will hug me at midnight, say I love you to me, and they will mean it. That is real, and it is more than enough. I am grateful.